A Very Epic Christmas

It is, once again, another EPIC Christmas.  Each year, the team at Epic meticulously combs the retail world to find the best gift ideas for your loved ones obsessed with fishing. In this year’s edition, we offer advice for those of you with children wetting their feet in the guiding industry.  Did our romanticized editorials mislead your children into thinking it would be wise to become a full-time fishing guide?  If so, we certainly apologize.  However, let us make up for it by offering some magnificent Christmas gift ideas for your budding guides.

  1. The key to any good day on the water starts with a delicious breakfast. Unfortunately, guides rarely have time to assemble said breakfast promptly. This is where the Hamilton Beach Breakfast Maker  comes into play.  This ingenious invention cooks a perfect McDonald’s-style breakfast sandwich in under 5 minutes.  Clean up is a breeze, and a guide will never be late for clients again.
  2. All fishing guides jump into the “guide-mobile” with a breakfast sandwich and coffee to go; this is a fact.What many young guides don’t understand, however, is that when they pick up guests for the first time, they need to set the tone for the day.  This is your chance to make a great first impression.  Guests feel like they are getting a more authentic experience if the guide looks like, instead of sleeping, he was up all night sipping scotch and tying flies with the fish bum crowd.  Of course, you don’t actually want your children doing this, so why not give them the upper hand with this Whiskey Lip Balm.  With a fresh application of whiskey lip balm, your guests will quickly feel at ease, assuming you are still slightly drunk from the night before. Whiskey Lip Balm
  3. Becoming an expert at small talk is another essential skill that all new guides should master. The first thing you learn is never to discuss sex, religion, or politics. However, much of this can be said without words. As your guests buckle up and get the first whiff of your imitated whiskey breath, you’ll want to slowly stuff this “Make America Drunk Again” flask into your glove compartment. Trump supporters will give you a knowing nod, and Trump haters will hold back an early morning chuckle. A win-win situation. Make America Flask
  4. One of the biggest challenges young guides face is a lack of respect from guests. Everyone always assumes the modern guide is a know-nothing millennial who took up guiding after a failed career at Walmart.  To combat this misperception, we recommend that new guides show a little of their crazy side.  Nothing says, “Don’t F with me,” quite like drinking your morning coffee out of a creepy Nicolas Cage Mug.  Be sure to point Nic’s face directly at the most gregarious guest for the entire drive. This image will be sure to keep them in line. Nic Cage creepy face
  5. This next gift is a great one for both guides and clients alike. As most folks know, I spend a lot of time and resources looking for ways to connect with my staff. In this case, I was having a very difficult time connecting with a young Stevie Morrow.  It seemed he was speaking in tongues every time we had a dialogue, so I bought and read The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm. The book became a direct translation for everything Stevie said, and I began to understand his context.  Since then, I have highly recommended it for all the clients he guides, and with great success.  This is a great book for guides and clients alike, and now I give several away every year as gifts.  The official Sarcasm dictionary 
  6. This last gift is key for every guide in the business. The B.S tends to run faster and more furious than a Vin Diesel movie the moment folks start talking fishing.  I carry this on a chain hanging around my next for those guests that insist on stretching extra inches on their catch.  The next time a guide hears, “wow that has to run what?……36, 37 inches?”  BAM  nail the Bullshit buzzer.  A fishes size is what it is, and this tool keeps it real. Bull Shit Buzzer

3 thoughts on “A Very Epic Christmas

  1. Brilliant.
    I will always remember the infamous words from Stevie, one day in Charlottes.
    “Who is guiding who?”
    Have a great festive season to the Epic Team.

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